


seeking sense, searching for reason

by blueberrytobio (starqueen)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Healing, Implied Past Character Death, In The Flesh!AU, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Oikage Week, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, au in which they basically died, but now they are back, no need to be familiar with in the flesh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 10:17:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10919787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starqueen/pseuds/blueberrytobio
Summary: “Tobio-chan,” Oikawa greets him, ignoring his dumbfounded expression. “You missed my funeral. Very rude of you. Being dead was really no excuse.”In which Tobio came back from the dead and is struggling to readjust back to normal. He's not even sure what normal is anymore, but Oikawa helps.





	seeking sense, searching for reason

**Author's Note:**

> QUICK NOTE! If you’re not familiar with in the flesh, basically everyone who died on a certain year came back. At first they were rabid and killed any humans they came across, but once receiving treatment (called neurotryptiline) they were allowed to re-enter society. Now the government calls them partially deceased syndrome (PDS) sufferers and they have to wear make-up and contacts to hide their death-ness. However lots of people aren't very thrilled that they are being put back into society and so pds sufferers face a lot of discrimination and have to hide their status. 
> 
> Anyway, I have literally no idea what this is. I wanted to write something for oikage week and this came out. I don’t know what it is. It doesn’t really even go with the quote.

_“I want the fact that I existed to mean something”_

Tobio’s mother picks him up at the care center facility and he cringes when he sees the shape she's in. She’s thin, has big undereye circles and her eyes look tired. Tobio can’t say he’s surprised. Losing your only son and then having him come back from the dead will surely take a toll on a person. Plus he knows from their phone calls that his dad left shortly after he was brought into the rehabilitation facility. It hurts him that his father didn’t want him to come back, but he also knows his parents’ marriage was already on shaky ground even before his death. Nevertheless, he is grateful for his mother. Despite everything, her smile is sincere when she sees him. 

They drive home in silence, which is really not weird for them. It’s the middle of the night, which should also seem weird but knowing how badly reintegration is going, he doesn’t blame his mother for keeping his return as private as possible. When they arrive Tobio zips up his hood and follows his mother into their home.

“I told your friend you were coming home,” his mom informs him, and Tobio frowns. “The small one? Red hair?” His mom clarifies, mistaking Tobio's frown as confusion. “I told him you'd be back today so he might drop by.”

Tobio feels his stomach sink. Seeing his mom is one thing. Seeing Hinata is something he’s not ready for. His mother notices his shift in mood and tries to help, “He seemed really happy! I think it’ll be good for you to have some friends on your side.”

She then tries to change the topic by motioning him to start following her. “You can get settled back in,” she says as they walk toward his room. “Though I guess there's not much to do. Everything's the same.”

And it is. When his mom opens the door, he sees his room exactly as he left it a year ago. He even thinks he remembers carelessly throwing his bag to where it lays now, slumped against his bedside table. It’s slightly disturbing and sort of depressing, but his mother leaves before he can say anything, telling him to get some sleep before they talk in the morning.

As soon as his mother leaves, he feels the familiar sensation of panic bubbling inside of him. His heartbeat quickens and he can feel pressure building in his chest  He tries to remember his therapy sessions and whispers the affirmation as he tries to keep his breathing regular. “I am a partially deceased syndrome sufferer, and what I did in my untreated state is not my fault.”

The affirmation is not as comforting as it was on the rehabilitation center, where everyone was either a fellow PDS sufferer or a therapist. Back then, the affirmation gave him a little hope that things could be okay, but now that he’s back to his old life, he has not idea what he is going to do. He repeats it a couple of times but the weight in his chess is persistent. He gives up on relaxing and settles for laying down on his bed, trying to figure out just how he’s going to keep going after all that’s happened to him.

It’s just his luck, really. The universe has always had a knack for messing with him. It’s really not a surprise that the universe decided to make the fucking dead rise a month after he killed himself.

* * *

Hinata does indeed show up the next day, nervous but still happy to see Tobio.

“Kageyama?” Hinata says, uncharacteristically shy. Tobio motions him to sit down next to him on the bed. He then realizes that that might have been a mistake and that Hinata might not be comfortable being so close to a PDS sufferer, but he’s relieved when Hinata immediately flops down next to him.  

He immediately starts talking about volleyball, which Tobio appreciates. He’s obviously out of the loop in professional volleyball but Hinata quickly and thoroughly fills him in. He is a bit more hesitant to talk about their own season, but eventually does so anyway. Turns out it really has not been a great season for Karasuno. With Suga graduating and Kageyama well, _dying_ , the team lacked a reliable setter. Their new first year setter, while decent, simply lacked experience, and so Karasuno lost to Dateko in the semifinals of the Inter High.    

Hinata stays cheerful through his entire visit. He doesn’t bring up Tobio’s death, or his appearance and he is grateful. In return, he does his best to participate in the conversation but he doesn’t really have much to share. His time in the rehabilitation center is off limits for the time being. That’s when he remembers what his mother tentative suggestion that morning and decides he might as well tell Hinata about it.

“My mom want to me to to a support group,” he starts. “A youth activity center/group therapy kinda thing. For PDS sufferers,” he clarifies.  

 “You should go! Maybe they'll have volleyball!” Hinata says and Tobio smiles a little bit. Hinata makes the decision he’s been dreading and overthinking seem so simple and Tobio decides that nothing could be worse that staring at his bedroom ceiling everyday while his mom is at work.

Plus he’s willing to give it a try if it means playing volleyball again.  

* * *

A week later he is anxiously walking alongside his mother in an old rec center that she tells him has been slightly renewed to be usable for PDS support group. He can tell not a lot of funds are going into it because the whole thing looks very sad and gloomy.

The receptionist smiles reassuringly at him and directs him to his age group. The forever 15 to 20 years. He says goodbye to his mother who stays behind to fill out paperwork that confirms that Tobio has received his daily Neurotryptiline shot and that he is not a threat or something like that.

He’s really not expecting to see any familiar faces, so he freezes when he does.

It’s Oikawa. Oikawa is there, in the PDS support ground which means he’s _dead._ Oikawa died. His makeup is much better than Tobio’s but he can spot the differences that clearly indicate that Oikawa has PDS. He’s still staring, probably open mouthed, when Oikawa spots him and walks towards him like he had been expecting him.

“Tobio-chan,” Oikawa greets him, ignoring his dumbfounded expression. “You missed my funeral. Very rude of you. Being dead was really no excuse.”

“I’m… sorry?”

Oikawa scoffs, “And look at you now. You look like you rolled around in a bag of doritos.”

The government issued makeup foundation is indeed horrifying. It’s a tick, slightly orange, one-shade-fits-all tone meant to disguise PDSS scarred, pale, and translucent skin. The makeup leads to most of them looking orange and unnatural, which really defeats the purpose of blending in with the living. As far as he can see, Oikawa is one of the few who decided to ditch the government issued makeup for something else. While his skin tone looks almost identical to the one Tobio remembers, he can still see the outline of a scar that’s too thick to cover on the right side of Oikawa’s face, extending to his neck and disappearing into his shirt. Most PDS sufferer have scars, some more obvious than others. Tobio self-consciously tugs at his own long sleeves every time he sees someone stare at him, scared they’ll see his own scars.

Along with the makeup, the are the contacts to deal with. They are mostly comfortable but the limited blue-or-brown supply of shades is nothing short of tragic. People who had neither of these colors complain endlessly but even Tobio dislikes the two lone shades. His eyes look several shades too dark than his previous eye color. He can see Oikawa has a similar problem, because the brown contacts he’s wearing look nothing like his original eye color.    

Right now, the only thing he can think is that maybe he did not come back to life at all and this is just hell. It’s clearly the only explanation of the fact that _Oikawa_ of all people is here. It’s been two seconds and he’s already gotten on Tobio’s nerves.   

“Yes, well, it’s not like I can just go shopping for foundation,” he snaps.

Oikawa hums, unaffected by Tobio’s attempted rudeness. He’s about to reply when a middle aged man calls for his group to gather around him. It really only a meet-and-greet kind of thing and it goes by quickly since there are only six people in total in Tobio’s group. There’s two older guys, a younger girl that Tobio remembers being declared as missing on the news, and a older girl who looks about Oikawa’s age. Everyone stays quiet when the group leader asks if they want to share anything.

* * *

He texts Hinata about seeing Oikawa in the support group. It's technically against the rules to talk about other PDS sufferers but he trusts Hinata, and he's really curious as to whether Hinata knows anything.

Hinata tells him that he and Oikawa died within a week of each other.

* * *

He uses his laptop that night to google news related to Oikawa’s death. He finds out that Oikawa and his parents had a car accident during a winter storm, and that of the three of them, Oikawa was the only one who didn’t make it. One of the many websites covering the accident is a volleyball magazine, which mainly talks about Oikawa’s promise as a upcoming setter and mentions that Oikawa was an alumni of both Seijoh and Kitaiichi and, surprisingly, that another former Kitaiichi student passed away recently, linking to an article covering Tobio’s own death.

Tobio stares at the article with morbid curiosity, wondering if it would be too weird for him to read something a complete stranger wrote about his death. His curiosity is too strong in the end, and he clicks on it.

_Karasuno High School first year setter, Kageyama Tobio passed away two days ago. Defeating all odds, Kageyama’s team recently qualified for the national spring high tournament and made it all the way to semi finals. Kageyama was considered to be a gifted setter and overall promising player. The morning after his death it was officially confirmed that Kageyama Tobio committed suicide and_ —

He stops reading.

* * *

The next week at the support group, Oikawa unceremoniously shoves a bag in his hands when he sees him.

“New makeup,” he says. “What you are wearing right now is disgusting. I can’t be seen with you looking like that.”

Tobio’s face must look like he’s wondering why Oikawa would be implying that. Oikawa must see it, because he sighs and says, “Look, this whole reintegration thing is going terribly. The only person I’ve talked to outside from my family in the whole month since I’ve back is Iwa-chan. And he’s great, obviously, but he is away at college. I figured if we’re going to be seeing each other here for the foreseeable future we might as well stick together.”

That seems… fair. Tobio is suspicious that Oikawa might be doing this because he feels bad of the fact that Tobio killed himself, but he’s willing to give him the benefit of the doubt. Besides, Oikawa has never really been one to be unnecessarily kind to Tobio.

Tobio clutches the make up bag. “Thank you, I guess.” As an afterthought he adds, “How did you get the make up anyway?”

Oikawa launches into an unnecessarily long explanation of shopping through his sister, making her get him as many different brands as possible to check coverage, shade, and texture. “You should be glad I was reintegrated before you were, Tobio. I have this down to a science. I'm pretty sure that should be your previous skin tone. Even if it's not it will be much better than the poor excuse you are wearing right now.”

At the end of the therapy session Oikawa walks up to Tobio again and asks for his phone number. Tobo gives it to him and doesn’t really expect much but Oikawa texts hims that same night.

_Did you try on the makeup?_

_Not yet,_ he responds

His phone buzzes again almost immediately. _Do it. I want to see that I was right._

_Don't you meant “if”???_

_Don't insult me Tobio-chan._

Tobio snorts and stands up anyway, looking for the bag of makeup. He pulls everything out and examines it. There's two tubs of foundation and one tub of concealer, and he grabs a new sponge from the pack his mother gave him and starts applying it all carefully to his face. He took off the orange make up as soon as he got home. At first he was reluctant to walk around his house without it, but his mother assured him that it was fine.

When he finishes he looks at himself in the mirror and doesn't hate it. His eyes are still the wrong color, but it's better than his pale dead skin and much better that the orange foundation. It feels better too, much more lightweight and comfortable.

_It looks good,_ he texts Oikawa.

_Let me see_

_How??_

_Take a picture you moron_

He rolls his eyes but does as he's told. It's just when he's sending it that he realizes how weird the whole thing is. He’s texting Oikawa. He's texting selfies to Oikawa. He's getting make up tips from Oikawa.

_Knew it. Not the best application, but a definite improvement. Good job._

* * *

“Oh,” his mother says when she sees him that night. “You look… better”

_Alive_ , she doesn't say.

“An... acquaintance of mine gave it to me at our support group. Says his sister helped him get new makeup.”

His mother hums, “That's smart. I didn't think about that. Tell me which brand it is and I'll keep buying it for you, yes?”

Tobio nods.

“Who was it?” His mother asks later, just like he knew she would.

“Oikawa-san,” he tells her.

“Oh, I remember him. I think I saw news of his death too. So sad. And so close to…” _to yours,_ he knows his mother means, but she quiets down. Neither of them have been able to bring up the fact that Tobio died, and how he did.

Still, he feels a little better looking at himself in the mirror that night.

* * *

Oikawa texting him becomes A Thing.

His texts are sort of random. For example he once gets a text in at three in the morning that says _What food do u miss the most_

“What are you doing up?” He wants to ask, and is halfway through typing it when he realizes Oikawa is probably having trouble sleeping too. Insomnia is even listed as a side effect of PDS. The nightmare of their untreated state are sometimes too much.

_Milk_ he answers instead.

_I’d die again for milk bread. I'm super tempted to eat some but I know it's probs a terrible idea_

Tobio decides to be more open than usual, _it is. I did drink milk, once. It was not worth it. Don't recommend it._

_lol Tobio you’re such an idiot_ Oikawa predictively answers, and then _go to bed_

* * *

Another thing is that Oikawa doesn’t skirt around at the fact that they are dead which Tobio feels should make him uncomfortable, but it doesn’t. Maybe it’s because Oikawa has PDS too that he feels like he understands and that he doesn’t have to pretend around him. 

* * *

 He keeps going to the support group, which is mainly filled with their leader trying to get them to share something about how they are adjusting and then sitting in uncomfortable silence. After two weeks of the whole thing, Oikawa sits down next to him and sighs, “So, this support group? Super depressing.”

Tobio agrees. He’s really only coming back because it’s the only place outside his house that he’s allowed to go. He figures it’s the same for the others and tells Oikawa as much. He doesn’t mention that it also beats staying home and trying to keep his mom from realizing that he’s avoiding his own bathroom.

“Plus,” he adds. “I was hoping I’d get to play volleyball.” 

Predictively, Oikawa scoffs. “Death didn’t change you one bit, Tobio-chan. But you do a have point there. Mr. “Let’s Talk About Our Feelings” is going to bore me into a second death.”

Then, Oikawa’s face morphs into a scheming grin. “I just had an idea. Follow me, Tobio-chan,” he demands. 

Oikawa leads him to the facility director's office and knocks. Before Tobio can ask what he’s planning, a voice tells them to come in. The director looks confused at seeing them, but politely asks what they need. Oikawa puts on a smile that looks scary to Tobio, but he figures looks charming to anyone who doesn’t know how bad Oikawa’s personality is.

He then immediately launches into an elaborated speech of why the director should allow them to set up a volleyball court in the rec center. He tells the director that it would really help everyone get some more activity and take their minds off of things and literally uses the phrase ‘ _think of the children,’_ claiming volleyball is great way to help their brains and muscles and even tells her that he has previous experience coaching little kids and is completely willing to help out with them. It sounds like something he’s been rehearsing for a week and not like something he came up with literally two minutes ago. It’s so thorough and convincing that Tobio honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow pulled out a slideshow of all the benefits of volleyball for PDS sufferers.

“That does sounds like a great idea,” she tells them, but then purses her lips. “But we really don’t have the funds for anything like that.”

Oikawa’s smile doesn’t falter. “Don’t worry, ma'am. You are dealing with two seasoned volleyball players here. Tobio-chan and I will selflessly donate some of our own equipment and time to get started on this little project.”

The director eventually gives up. In the end, Tobio is sure that Oikawa somehow made the director feel like the entire thing was her idea and not like she’s doing exactly want he wants. It’s not really surprising, Tobio always has the impression that Oikawa could bend the sun to his will, and turns out that he can charm people into doing his bidding even after death. He even ended up roping Tobio into promising he’ll bring some of his own equipment.

When they get out of her office it is with an authorized form to set up a volleyball court on the rec center. Oikawa beams at him, which really makes Tobio feel happy and successful even if he didn’t really do something other than nod every time Oikawa said “Isn’t that right, Tobio-chan?" 

“For the love of god, Tobio-chan, please tell me you own a net.”

* * *

The week leading up to the next group meeting is filled with texts from Oikawa organizing their project. Between him and Oikawa they have seven volleyballs and a net. Four of them are Tobio’s, whose relatives never really knew what else to gift him. After a little debating he texts Hinata about what they are planning Hinata immediately visits his house and donates another two. Sometimes Tobio thinks he doesn’t quite deserve Hinata’s friendship.

“I can’t believe you’re going to practice with the Grand King again,” he says before he leaves. Hinata has heavily implied that their team would be cool with him practicing with them, but Tobio asked him not to tell anyone that he’s back. He’s doesn’t tell Hinata, but he knows he understand thats he’s still not really to face them.

“It’s really only so we have something to do on the support group. Otherwise we’d all get bored to a second death,” he says instead, parroting Oikawa’s earlier words. He instantly regrets the death joke, but he’s so used to Oikawa making them that he does it without thinking. Hinata seems shocked for a second but then bursts out laughing, genuinely happy, and Tobio smiles too.

* * *

His phone buzzes in the middle of the night. He unlocks it to find a text from Oikawa linking him to a ‘DIY Volleyball Court” pinterest board.

* * *

Setting up the court with Oikawa is a bit of mess. Oikawa is ridiculously bossy, and Tobio does not like being bossed around. It doesn’t take long for them to start fighting and he’s three seconds from throwing a ball to Oikawa’s face when the youngest girl on their group approaches them, asking what they are doing.

Oikawa beams at her and explains their project. The girl quietly says that she learned to play volleyball a little bit in middle school, and shyly asks if she can help. Oikawa immediately agrees and tasks the girl with untangling Tobio’s old, battered net while they continue to measure what will be the court.

They mark the outline of the court with tape and while the dimensions are probably a little bit off and the lines aren’t exactly straight, it’s definitely better than nothing. The two other boys in their group walk towards them when they are trying to figure out how to hang the net when they don’t have poles. Between the four of them, they manage to find a way to set up the net by tying it to one window and a wall.

It’s the world’s mangiest volleyball court but Tobio is actually quite proud of it. By the look on Oikawa’s face he can tell that he is too.

Tobio and Oikawa each grab a ball and walk towards different sides of the court. Tobio hasn’t played in a while and figures he should probably start slowly. He goes for a simple overhand serve and smiles when it lands inside the court. “Lame,” Oikawa tells him, going for a jump serve. It’s out. By a lot.

Oikawa scoffs, but then smiles again. “Well, I guess it’s ready.”

The others grab balls too and take a side, playing around with the balls carelessly, while Oikawa goes over to the group of younger kids. He spends a minute talking to their leader, who Tobio guesses was already informed of the project because she immediately smiles and nods, motioning the kids to follow Oikawa. There are about eight of them, and Tobio can’t stand to look at them. It’s kind of hard to focus when he can’t think of anything other than the fact that these kids are dead and that they really don’t deserve this and that even though they are back they won’t get to ever grow up normally. He tries to even his breath and calm down. Oikawa seems to notice his discomfort, and surprisingly squeezes his shoulder when he walks by him.

He then turns to the kids and starts talking. He’s a natural. The kids listen attentively to his every word and do everything he tells them to. He explains the game and the rules very patiently and thoroughly, answering every question the kids ask.     

When he finishes his speech, he ends up just letting the kids grab the balls and throw them over the net without any real kind of technique, but promises them that he will start their actual lessons next week. The kids are delighted to do something fun for one. It’s really the first time there’s been any laughter at all in the support facility and the adult groups are looking curiously at them. He sits down by the wall, Oikawa joining him shortly after he does.

“The kids are not going to bite you,” Oikawa says.

“They might,” Tobio tells him. “I hear they were all rabid a couple of months ago.”

Oikawa rolls his eyes. “Like they’d eat something as disgusting as you. Listen, Tobio, I’m being serious. At least try to help them. If you absolutely hate it I won’t make you coach them, but at least _try_.”

“I’m terrible with kids.”

“Try,” Oikawa says again, then adds. “You _will_ try it at least once. Next week. It will be my repayment for the make up.”

* * *

Next week he does try. And it actually goes sort of well.

They have a half hour designated for the little kids to play. Oikawa takes the lead again, but this time he introduces them to Tobio as his ‘assistant’ which earns him a glare that he ignores. He goes over the rules again, and starts explaining the positions as well. He has Tobio demonstrate a couple of things, like how to do an underhand serve and a basic receive pose. He then has Tobio walk around correcting postures and answering questions as best as he can. The kids all seem comfortable around him but he’s still wary.

After about ten minutes Oikawa has the kids make two lines while he and Tobio throw balls for them to receive.

“I did it!” A little girl that Tobio is tossing to screams victoriously when the ball goes up. Tobio high fives her when she runs to him and starts to relax. He can literally feel Oikawa’s smug grin on his side.

When half hour is done the kids all say thanks to him, and a couple of them even hug him. He freezes and glares at Oikawa when he sees him laughing on the side of the court, holding his phone up and probably taking a picture.

“Thank you,” he tells Oikawa in a small voice when they are picking up the balls. He fully expects Oikawa to demand further explanations, or laugh at him, but he seems to understand and merely nods.  

* * *

 Running their impromptu volleyball club is exhausting but it’s fun. He loves volleyball and he’s happy to be able to share it with more people. Oikawa seems the same way, but Tobio knows that aside from loving volleyball, Oikawa is motivated to do it because he loves the fact that he’s completely in charge.

It’s sort of weird, looking forward to things again. Before he, well… _before,_ he didn’t really have motivation for anything. He wanted to do things or more like, he _wanted to want to do things._ But everything took so much energy, energy that he simply couldn't muster up most days. School was going terribly and even going to volleyball practice started to feel like a chore.

For the first time in what feels like forever, things are looking up.

* * *

A month into the start of their volleyball project, Oikawa shows up unannounced in Tobio’s house.

He’s watching a documentary about marine mammals. He was never one to really watch any documentaries, but with so much free time and no where to go it’s become a new thing in his routine. It’s actually quite fun.

Suddenly there’s a knock on the door and Tobio freezes. Nobody really comes by, but on the rare occasion that they do, Tobio mostly hides in his room until they walk away. He’s reaches for the remote to turn off the TV and try to pretend there’s no one home when his phone buzzes.

_Open the door. It’s me_

He opens the door and sure enough, there’s Oikawa, wearing a hoodie and sunglasses. He goes inside, ignoring Tobio and flops down in the couch.

“What are you watching?” Oikawa asks, instead of offering an explanation.

 “A documentary?”

“What’s it about?” Oikawa asks.

“Marine mammals?”

Oikawa looks at him expectantly, unusually quiet, and something in Tobio’s brain clicks. _He wants me to distract him._

“It’s uh, about how marine mammals are treated in captivity and the long term effects it can have on them.” Oikawa nods at his explanation and motions for him to keep going. Tobio does him best to keep talking, and when things he’s done explaining he clicks play again.

Halfway through the documentary, Oikawa seems to relax. He starts making comments, which lack his usual snark, but it’s better than the silence.

When the documentary is over, Tobio spends five minutes working up the courage to ask, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Oikawa scoffs softly, “Smooth, Tobio-chan. But nah, I’m… I’m fine. Just, you know. The looming threat of eternity.”

And boy, does Tobio know.

“I really tried to see this as a good thing you know. I am the kind of person who makes the most of every situation. It keep thinking it was like I was given a second chance, because my existence was supposed to mean _something_. I don’t know if it’s the same for you I guess,” Oikawa continues. “But I guess I'm just trying to say that being holed up in my house makes me worry too much. I have too much time to think about everything.”

“I know what you mean,” Tobio says in a small voice. “It was like that for me, _before_. Sort of. ” he trails off. “It's been better since I've been back. The stupid support group has helped me. The kids helped me.”

Then after a little bit, he adds. “You've helped me.”

Oikawa opens his mouth a couple of times, but he keeps staring at Tobio, who is suddenly very aware of how close Oikawa is and how he can feel his arm against his.

Of course, the moment is broken when his mom walks into the house.

She seems puzzled to see someone else in the house. It's almost like the first time Tobio brought Hinata home and his mom was over the moon at the fact that her son had friends.

She invites him to stay a bit longer but Oikawa politely declines, saying his mom will be picking him up soon.

When he leaves Tobio is a little scared he might have ruined things between them, but later that night Oikawa sends him a text with a link to an article about marine mammals in captivity, followed by countless texts of his own opinions.

Tobio falls asleep with a stupid smile on his face.

* * *

 It also becomes A Thing. Oikawa shows up and they watch watch documentaries and movies and anime online. Oikawa says that it’s basically blasphemy that Tobio hasn't watched the Harry Potter films and deems it his second life mission to introduce Tobio to twenty first century pop culture. He sometimes stays even after Tobio’s mom gets home, and they both sit at the table while his mother eats and talks about her day.

They become more comfortable with each other. One time they've been marathoning cartoons for almost eight hours and Tobio's eyes are starting to sting. He can see Oikawa rubbing his eyes too, and so he shyly suggests that they take their contacts off. Oikawa curtly nods and takes out his contacts case from the backpack he carries with him.

After that, sometimes Oikawa shows up and immediately takes off his contacts, and Tobio doesn't bother putting them on if they are not going to the support group. It's kinda nice, and feels like a confirmation of trust.

Oikawa also starts being more comfortable with physical contact. He grabs Tobio's arms and shoulders and leans against him, both in his house and in the support group. He high fives him and even mockingly ruffles his hair. Sometimes when they are home he leans his head against his shoulder casually or lays down on the couch and puts his head on Tobio’s legs. He even falls asleep a couple of times. His touch is always firm and warm and reassuring and Tobio knows he's screwed.

All the time he's been spending with him has made it impossible to keep ignoring his growing crush on Oikawa.

It's becoming a little bit of a problem. It's just that he's suddenly very aware of Oikawa at all times. Or, he's always been aware of him, but now it's because of different reasons. Now all of Oikawa’s jabs at him are never really meant to be hurtful. Now he looks forward to Oikawa’s random three am texts and their movie marathons. Now he sees Oikawa be patient and gentle with the kids and his heart melts a little bit and he sees him finally get the hang of his serve again and he's filled with pride. The older girl in his group even teases him one day, tells him that if he keeps looking at Oikawa like a lost puppy she'll throw up.

Even _Hinata_ points it out, and that's when Tobio realizes he might be too obvious.

That night, he finds himself in the familiar position of not being able to sleep, but this time it's because he's debating his new found feelings. When he finally falls sleeps he dreams of brown hair, pale skin, and eyes that shift between white and two shades of brown.

* * *

Things are getting slightly better for PDS sufferers in general. Some very strict rules for their protection are put into place, and after six months of no incidents involving reintegrated PDS sufferers, their advisors in the support group start encouraging them to go outside publicly.

Tobio and Oikawa go outside together twice. They go out from Tobio's house and start walking, but Tobio panics a block away from his house and they go back. The next time they make it four blocks before Oikawa turns around and starts running.

Still, it's progress. 

* * *

 Things change during one of their movie nights. They are watching cartoon reruns on Tobio's house and Oikawa has been acting slightly weird.

Before Tobio can ask him what's wrong,—because they are at the point where they actually _talk_ about things—Oikawa speaks up.

“Have you figured out what you're doing about school?” Oikawa asks him.

He frowns. “Sort of? Mom’s having me do online classes and finish high school when the next term starts.”  

Oikawa nods, like he was expecting it. Tobio asks what he plans to do but he knows it’s harder for him. All the older PDS sufferers are dealing with the same problem, college and work is not very accessible to them right now.

“The director emailed me.” Oikawa admits. “She wants me to keep counseling kids. More permanently. They’ll pay me and everything.”

Tobio sits up. “That’s amazing!”

Oikawa nods again. “It’s good. _For now._ But we both know the support group thing won’t last forever. And I literally need something that does.”

And there it is. The looming threat of literal eternity.

“What would you _like_ to do?” Tobio asks him.

Oikawa shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s not like I can resume my five-year-plan of getting into the national volleyball team.”

“Why not?” Tobio asks him after some silence.

Oikawa snorts.

“No, seriously,” Tobio says firmly. “You said it yourself. You make the best of what you have.  Make your plan work. Change it to a ten year plan. To twenty. That’s the kind of person you are. You’ve got time. Things will get better. They _are_ getting better. The fact that they offered you a job proves it.”

After some silence, Oikawa’s entire mood shifts.

“You are right, Tobio-Chan,” he says with sudden determination. “We’ll join the national team if we fucking want to. We’ll join and then they'll never be able to kick us out because we’ll literally never die and no one will ever beat us.”

“ _We’ll_ join?”

Oikawa is suddenly uncharacteristically bashful, and Tobio thinks that if he was still alive he would even be blushing. He clears his throat. “I mean, it will probably take a while and  who knows what might happen but—”

“I'd like that,” Tobio says, and then he adds with every ounce of courage he has, “I'll wait. We have time.”

Oikawa stays completely still for two seconds, staring at him. Tobio is about to take back what he said when Oikawa moves. He grabs Tobio’s face between his hands and kisses him.  

Tobio kisses him back, hesitantly at first, but Oikawa’s fingers move against his face softly as if he’s saying _‘Relax.’_ The kiss is slow, soft, and comforting. Oikawa wraps his arms around him while Tobio lifts his own arms and pulls Oikawa even closer. The world slowly disappears around them. All Tobio can focus on can focus on is Oikawa’s lips against his and how _right_ it feels.

When they pull apart, they stay close to each other, their foreheads resting together. Later, Oikawa will declare them officially dead boyfriends and Tobio will genuinely laugh at him. They’ll discuss what Tobio will do with school and Oikawa will ask him to keep helping him with the volleyball club. They’ll plan their first official date, and it will probably take them five tries to go without panicking but they will eventually manage. Together. But that will all come later. They’ve got all the time in the world.

Eternity doesn't seem that scary if Oikawa is there with him.

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Oikage week! Please feel free to talk about oikage with me! I am [blueberrytobio on tumblr.](http://blueberrytobio.tumblr.com) Unfortunately I just finished with finals and did not have a lot of time to write much, plus this got really really long and consumed all my time. I’ll try my best to get something else before the week ends, so feel free to hit me up on here or on [tumblr](http://blueberrytobio.tumblr.com) if you have any ideas, even if it’s not related to oikage week. 
> 
> I do wanna say that both Kageyama and Oikawa have lot to heal, but they are both really trying, and they are getting there. 
> 
> Well, this is pretty long and i think sort of weird but i had lots of fun writing it. Anyway, I apologize for any PDS inaccuracies. A fair warning is that I haven’t watched in the flesh in a couple of years and I just wrote this from memory. Like, I couldn’t remember if pdss could sleep so i just decided they could.


End file.
